One year ago ...

One year ago today my husband suffered a stroke

you can read about it here http://ninadiane.blogspot.com/2011/03/lost.html  

This post here, this is a hard one for me. I still feel very overwhelmed

by what happened. This post is not about the stroke nor Johnny...this post is about me. I am not being selfish or self absorbed....I'm just being honest. I would like for others not to make the mistakes
I made in going through this crisis.
I'm in tears as I type this....so just know, I'm

pouring my feelings out here.

But I learned valuable lessons that I would like to share

And I hope someone can learn from what I went through last year

So after we arrived at the ER and the dr told us that Johnny

had had a stroke and a big one at that, my knees turned to rubber.

Johnny has always taken care of me and here he laid unable to move

what was I going to do. I asked the dr if Johnny was going to

be ok and he said this "Mrs Delaney, we do not know, we hope so but we

do not know"

to hear those words made me numb.

But I had to pull myself together

First off, I needed to call our kids, family and friends

I had to make all of these calls and I felt overwhelmed by it

my hands trembled as I called everyone, I fought back tears so as

to not worry anyone and I felt like I was going to throw up

with each call.

first lesson learned......I should have asked someone to be with me

and help me but I didn't, I did it all myself, which was a mistake.

Then I downplayed how serious it was....and that was my next lesson learned

because by downplaying it, I was left alone to deal with it

and I really needed someone to lean on

Next, our kids were in no way prepared for anything to happen

to either Johnny nor I. Our kids are adults, I should have been able to

lean on them and together we be each
others support but instead, I had to be their support.

I had to be Johnny's support and our kids support and it

was more than I could handle. I wasn't even honest with them. When

they would ask if he will be ok I didn't tell them we don't know. I just said

yes....or hope so or whatever.....anything other than the truth.  

Lesson learned .... I should have been honest with the kids

and let them know what I needed from them. They are 

great kids, they would have stepped up to

the plate if I had allowed it.... I shouldn't have 

treated them like they were still my little babes, still trying to protect

them from all things sad.
I actually was not told until the 4th day that Johnny would survive.

I have lots of family here, my kids and lots of friends.

but I didn't lean on any of them

that was a big mistake because it wasn't fair to any of them

that I didn't let them know how very serious it was.

Johnny is their father, their brother, uncle, brother-in-law

son-in-law and friend

Johnny's sisters live out of state and kept asking....should we come

do you need us

and I just couldn't say yes...and really, I don't even know why

In my mind I just kept thinking I don't want to burden anyone

what the heck...I've never considered myself any kind of martyr

but here I was doing just that, only I didn't see it then. Maybe I
was trying to not face the fact that we didn't know if
it would be ok and so by not admitting it, it wasn't real.

A couple of days after the stroke a very dear friend

called me....after asking how Johnny was, what the drs were saying

she asked "how are you"

and I broke down

I should not have been holding all of that in and

through sobs I told her that I needed her

I don't even know how she understood what I said

but all I heard was...I'm on my way. She has 2 young

children and I don't know how she arranged things

so fast but she was by my side in no time and

with Starbucks at that!! haha..

That right there should have been my clue

that I was carrying too much

Please believe me...when you are going through any kind

of crisis, lean on your family and friends!  Don't think like I did

that you don't want to burden people. I forgot....Family and Friends really

are all you ever need!! And I know if I had let my family know what

was really going on, they all would have been there for me.

But I didn't ask.

One of Johnny's sisters did come up from Atlanta and

really I can't remember if I said yes, please come or if she insisted. So

much about that time is still a blur to me, always running so

low on sleep, not eating right and not taking care of myself.

I do know that I was grateful when she arrived

I felt like a load had been lifted off of my shoulders.

I also had a dear family friend come sit with me in the

hospital and she took the lead and talked to the

drs for me as I was just getting more and more

overwhelmed. That too was like a weight lifted off of me!

Johnny's other sister in Texas kept asking but I had such guilt

asking someone to fork over so much money for a plane ticket

that I never asked her to come.....so wrong of me.

Johnny came home after a couple of weeks of being in the

hospital and rehab center.

I think it was his 2nd night home and during the middle of

the night, he had another stroke.

and did I reach out to my family and friends, no...I just

kept on trying to do it all. We were in the middle of planning our daughters

wedding and we were scheduled to have a DIY day that Sunday.

So after being in the ER all night with Johnny, I rushed

home to get food ready for friends and family coming over

to help with wedding stuff. So running on no sleep, no food and no shower, I welcomed the bridal party and family into our messy

home! haha...My sister came early to help

but really, I think she just insisted on it, I still don't think I asked.

My sisters and sister-in-law all helped clean up from the

DIY day so that I could return to the hospital.

And during this whole time, I also didn't want to be a burden to

anyone at work. My co-workers were awesome and covering for me

but I felt bad about that. So I would work from Johnny's hospital room and

then come home and log on and work until 11 and 12 at night!

Maybe I was using work as a distraction but really, I should have been

taking care of myself.

My point of this post is that I tried to do it all. I tried not to burden

other people. I tried to be the rock for my kids and Johnny. And I wasn't

always honest with my family and friends on how serious it was, how I was doing nor if there was anything they could do for me. Believe me, this

is not a healthy thing to do. I have a very, very close family, great kids,

very good friends and the best co-workers anyone

could ask for but yet, I didn't reach out. I was so

overwhelmed and stressed that I cried myself to

sleep every night. I was very foolish.....

I was on an emotional roller coaster. Scared for my husband and

excited for our daughters upcoming wedding. I can look back

now and say it was one of the worst times in my life.

After Johnny came home I was finally able to relax and enjoy

our family and the wedding planning.

I learned a lot and I'll never do that again.

People need to remember that in tough times, that really is

what family is for!!!

and now as the one year anniversary is here, I reflect back.

I love my husband so much and am so grateful that he is still

with us. So grateful that he recovered and was able to walk
 our daughter down the aisle at her wedding just 3 months later! So

very grateful for my family and friends and with apologies to

all of you, I am sorry I didn't ask for help

Johnny is Irish.....and as the saying goes...the luck of the Irish..
well, he most certainly was lucky last St Patricks Day.

and now.....we are off to see Sr Elton John in concert on this

wonderful St Patricks Day!

later.....